i righted a tiny wrong today & i feel at peace. my hebrew name is gershom ( גרשם ) & when i ordered a tallit they asked my name to embroider on the bag. however when it arrived the case said gershoN ( גרשן ). a hebrew name, yes, but not mine. no good. i finally ripped out the embroidery today bc i learned that in AUGUST our shul is reopening for in person services & i can finally wear my tallit in a minyan !!!!!!!!
mh ( - )
i'm okay. i'm not okay. my groupmates are pleased with themselves to wish me happy chanukah. i'm grateful. it's kind. we talk about trauma. i go somewhere else. i answer their predictable questions predictably. right now i think about killing. they wouldn't like that answer. not at all. so sometimes we must be slant-wise to keep going.
mh ( ~ )
i've been silo'd into a trauma group in my outpatient MH / SUD program & it's w/ 3 men & a man facilitator. i'm not sure how to be genuine w/ them given that i'm not actually a man & i feel threatened just discussing my trauma history w/ men given that it was men who traumatized me. so ... we'll see i guess. more information tomorrow
my goyische housemates have erected a facsimile pine tree in the library & strung it w/ lights. my partner bought a star of david to put on top as a gesture of holiday compromise. i simultaneously hate it & begrudgingly like that he cares. anyway i’ve made it my duty to covertly supply ornaments that have no aesthetic qualities in common whatsoever. there will be no themed “chanukah bushes” in my home, not on my watch
ph / mh ( - )
i haven't felt hungry or full since i had COVID-19. i have to be mindful of the timing, size, & balance of my meals bc my body isn't giving me any useful signals. worse, the hurting part of my brain says "this is a gift. use it to your advantage to lose quarantine weight. you know you hate how you look. just skip a meal here & there, you won't even notice & neither will anyone else." for someone recovering fm disordered eating it's very stressful & hard to like myself right now
mental health ( ??? )
i'm in an outpt program w/ other people in recovery & uhhhhh the variety of these experiences can be validating or just triggering. there's 2 whose paranoid & psychotic delusions are almost too much for me. the other group members feed into it & the clinicians do nothing to contain the situation. extremely uncomfortable bc i know how to respond in a professional capacity but it's not my job or place to even acknowledge what's going on. not a bit. i'm there for me & recovery
gershom, timtum dumdum
transmasc enby in boise, id
reform convert thru CABI, my home
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