not this upcoming shabbat, but the next one. i'm a little antsy bc my partner's uncle has a habit of putting out my shabbat candles the moment i look away. not very nice considering he has a jewish son himself

mh ( - ) 

i'm okay. i'm not okay. my groupmates are pleased with themselves to wish me happy chanukah. i'm grateful. it's kind. we talk about trauma. i go somewhere else. i answer their predictable questions predictably. right now i think about killing. they wouldn't like that answer. not at all. so sometimes we must be slant-wise to keep going.

ph ( ~ ) 

i broke my first bone ! it's just a fractured toe. i don't remember how it happened, i was drunk. doc says it'll probably take another month or so for the swelling to go down, & i should buddy tape it in the mean time

mh ( ~ ) 

i've been silo'd into a trauma group in my outpatient MH / SUD program & it's w/ 3 men & a man facilitator. i'm not sure how to be genuine w/ them given that i'm not actually a man & i feel threatened just discussing my trauma history w/ men given that it was men who traumatized me. so ... we'll see i guess. more information tomorrow

personal 

my partner threw a tan& broke the coffeemaker so. i have to drink tea to get my fix :-/

my goyische housemates have erected a facsimile pine tree in the library & strung it w/ lights. my partner bought a star of david to put on top as a gesture of holiday compromise. i simultaneously hate it & begrudgingly like that he cares. anyway i’ve made it my duty to covertly supply ornaments that have no aesthetic qualities in common whatsoever. there will be no themed “chanukah bushes” in my home, not on my watch

ph / mh ( - ) 

i haven't felt hungry or full since i had COVID-19. i have to be mindful of the timing, size, & balance of my meals bc my body isn't giving me any useful signals. worse, the hurting part of my brain says "this is a gift. use it to your advantage to lose quarantine weight. you know you hate how you look. just skip a meal here & there, you won't even notice & neither will anyone else." for someone recovering fm disordered eating it's very stressful & hard to like myself right now

not liking this “mamala harris” meme. she’s no mamela

my partner invited his friend who was born in israel & raised jewish to celebrate chanukah w/ us & i’m ... 😬 pre-emptive inferiority complex abt it

my roommate lichrally drank all of the kedem grape juice i had set aside for shabbat. like. breh ... i'm a recovering alcoholic. y u do me liek this

mental health ( ??? ) 

i'm in an outpt program w/ other people in recovery & uhhhhh the variety of these experiences can be validating or just triggering. there's 2 whose paranoid & psychotic delusions are almost too much for me. the other group members feed into it & the clinicians do nothing to contain the situation. extremely uncomfortable bc i know how to respond in a professional capacity but it's not my job or place to even acknowledge what's going on. not a bit. i'm there for me & recovery

o worm ? you’re an Empath ? no kidding. anyway, look at the time, i gotta dissociate from this interaction —

making a playlist for my partner bc i'm a sentimental IDIOT

luv 2 b excluded from gay community by cis ppl. warms the heart

my roommate is painting xmas tree ornaments & she’s doing one of RBG as an angel ? w like wings & a halo ? i’m

i got a phone call from an officer who was looking for a "stephanie" so as to ask her if she could donate to counteract the calls to defund the police. the officer assured me that "either one of [ us was ] fine" to speak to. i was offended 1st by the implication that i'm a heterosexual & 2nd by the implication that i don't actively seek the eradication of the police

i need more jewish friends to talk to. DM me if you want a weirdo with whom to text

i keep having this moment w/ goyim where they “don’t want to assume [ i’m ] jewish” bc my kippah “could be a fashion thing.” like. excuse me ? that’s not a thing, pal ... the only goyim with a hard-on for jewish culture are messianics & it’s a bad look for them

chr*stm*s is trying my patience this year in ways i didn’t previously think were possible

alc 

my roommates are drinking aaand it's probably safer for me away from them for a little while

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